Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
