The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
