I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
