ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Say something about gay babies.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
