Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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