this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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