I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
