A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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