So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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