He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's rum buckets o'clock
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
