I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
