It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
