Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
