Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
