if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
