I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
