when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
