Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
