WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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