I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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