So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
