Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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