You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
