mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
