Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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