theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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