You're my little dorito
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
