if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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