Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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