I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
