I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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