Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
