Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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