she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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