New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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