I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
