I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
from now on my penis is your penis
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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