i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
