Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
