I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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