I think i peed on brittanys purse
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
