She went from zero to smokin in five shots
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
