Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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