i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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