Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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