dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
