On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
