i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
