New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
