I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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