He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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