Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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