I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
