Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
