So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
