If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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